I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
