he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
