Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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