I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
