My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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