I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
