I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
