Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
