I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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