piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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