Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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