And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
