i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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