Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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