So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
