the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
