i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
