I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
