Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
