Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
