my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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