She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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