he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
