This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
