Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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