I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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