Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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