TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
