u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
