you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
