Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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