I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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