Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
