Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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