You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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