only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
