I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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