You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
