When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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