Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
