the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
