This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
