I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
