I just cut my nipple shaving
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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