I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
