I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
