I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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