Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
