I feel great
I just peed on a car
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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