I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
