Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
that's an acceptable place to lick
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
