I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Never joke about your clitoris.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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