Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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