I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
