in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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