if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
