I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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