Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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