she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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