I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
