I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize