I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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