I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
