Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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