He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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