Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i think i just lost a toe
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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