I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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