She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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