I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Man, jail baloney is awful.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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