she was so not down for the gang bang
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
