I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
