I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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