You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
