listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
