if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
someone owes me an orgasm
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
