Hey man sorry I got all grabby
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
